Advice With Ackbar
This is crap! Despite what my prominent position in a galactic army may infer, I am quite the cultured Mon Calimari.  While reading up on philosophy or military history in my office, I enjoy a nice cup of tea from Kashyyyk and the sweet sounds of the Max Rebo Band on 45 RPM vinyl.  You’d think record players would be hard to find in today’s technology filled society, but you’d be as wrong as a Wookie who thinks he belongs on Endor.One group who’s 7-inch I will never own is Insane Clown Posse.  Formed in the Earth city of Detroit, this 3-piece of “artists” has built a small empire fueled by badly designed T-Shirts, a mass of misguided humans, and professional wrestling.  I suggest you avoid their yearly cult gathering, which brings in thousands of followers from around the world for Faygo drenched debauchery.  Their biased news broadcasts, their philosophy on the origins of the magnet, and their upcoming feature length film (a prequel, mind you) are also to be approached with extreme caution, if at all. ICP and their fellow “musicians” on Psychopathic Records have adopted the slogan “the label that runs beneath the streets.”  It’s dangerous underneath the streets.  It’s full of traps.  Navigate the area underneath the streets very carefully… don’t let any of the traps lure you in.  There’s a whole world above the streets with better drink choices.  The music is usually better too.

This is crap! Despite what my prominent position in a galactic army may infer, I am quite the cultured Mon Calimari.  While reading up on philosophy or military history in my office, I enjoy a nice cup of tea from Kashyyyk and the sweet sounds of the Max Rebo Band on 45 RPM vinyl.  You’d think record players would be hard to find in today’s technology filled society, but you’d be as wrong as a Wookie who thinks he belongs on Endor.

One group who’s 7-inch I will never own is Insane Clown Posse.  Formed in the Earth city of Detroit, this 3-piece of “artists” has built a small empire fueled by badly designed T-Shirts, a mass of misguided humans, and professional wrestling.  I suggest you avoid their yearly cult gathering, which brings in thousands of followers from around the world for Faygo drenched debauchery.  Their biased news broadcasts, their philosophy on the origins of the magnet, and their upcoming feature length film (a prequel, mind you) are also to be approached with extreme caution, if at all.

ICP and their fellow “musicians” on Psychopathic Records have adopted the slogan “the label that runs beneath the streets.”  It’s dangerous underneath the streets.  It’s full of traps.  Navigate the area underneath the streets very carefully… don’t let any of the traps lure you in.  There’s a whole world above the streets with better drink choices.  The music is usually better too.

It’s a fanny pack! Humans  are one of many species in the galaxy to be born without a natural ability  to store things.  This is through no fault of their own; natural  selection’s greatest gift to Earth’s lone intelligent species was  the opposable thumb. The fanny pack is not a suitable alternative to  natural evolution, though. 
Once a huge fad during the  pre-contact Earth calendar, the fanny pack was worn by men, women, and  children nearly everywhere from the shopping mall to the local amusement  park.  As the fad died out, the clan known as the “soccer moms”  tried to keep it alive because of the easy access to medical supplies  and change it allowed (strangely, the “white trash” clan seemed  to keep the faux pouch for similar reasons.)  These nations soon  realized there were more fashionable ways to carry their items. Purses  and book bags took their rightful place at the top of the fake human  pouch industry, and both the economic and fashion aspects of human civilization  regained balance within the Force.
If in your travels you see  someone wearing a strange storage device on their waist region held  on by a plastic snap-release system, avoid them at most costs.   They are either one of those “vintage hipsters” that find old pod  racer T-Shirts to be “hip” nowadays, or they’re one of the last  people you’ll want to be seen in the cantina with.  The number  of top-open zipper compartments matters not; the fanny pack will forever  be a trap!
(Note: You may have noticed  a strange symbol on the device that reads “NASCAR.”  This seems  to have been an ancient racing association that drew in huge crowds  of fanny pack savvy humans.  Human leaders have covered much of  the information about this group up, but the Rebel Alliance has sent  a team of researchers to investigate the strange symbol and the league  it represents.  If we hear anything, we’ll be sure to inform  the rest of the galaxy.)

It’s a fanny pack! Humans are one of many species in the galaxy to be born without a natural ability to store things.  This is through no fault of their own; natural selection’s greatest gift to Earth’s lone intelligent species was the opposable thumb. The fanny pack is not a suitable alternative to natural evolution, though. 

Once a huge fad during the pre-contact Earth calendar, the fanny pack was worn by men, women, and children nearly everywhere from the shopping mall to the local amusement park.  As the fad died out, the clan known as the “soccer moms” tried to keep it alive because of the easy access to medical supplies and change it allowed (strangely, the “white trash” clan seemed to keep the faux pouch for similar reasons.)  These nations soon realized there were more fashionable ways to carry their items. Purses and book bags took their rightful place at the top of the fake human pouch industry, and both the economic and fashion aspects of human civilization regained balance within the Force.

If in your travels you see someone wearing a strange storage device on their waist region held on by a plastic snap-release system, avoid them at most costs.  They are either one of those “vintage hipsters” that find old pod racer T-Shirts to be “hip” nowadays, or they’re one of the last people you’ll want to be seen in the cantina with.  The number of top-open zipper compartments matters not; the fanny pack will forever be a trap!

(Note: You may have noticed a strange symbol on the device that reads “NASCAR.”  This seems to have been an ancient racing association that drew in huge crowds of fanny pack savvy humans.  Human leaders have covered much of the information about this group up, but the Rebel Alliance has sent a team of researchers to investigate the strange symbol and the league it represents.  If we hear anything, we’ll be sure to inform the rest of the galaxy.)

It’s Scott Stapp! If you are unaware of who Scott Stapp is, then you may be have been frozen in carbonite! Most of you should know him as the lead singer of Creed. This picture post is simply to inform you who this man is. If you see him in public, he may approach you With Arms Wide Open but he is surely not drunk as he is now a born-again Christian. Catch Creed at an arena near you. Or … don’t.
-Ackbar

It’s Scott Stapp! If you are unaware of who Scott Stapp is, then you may be have been frozen in carbonite! Most of you should know him as the lead singer of Creed. This picture post is simply to inform you who this man is. If you see him in public, he may approach you With Arms Wide Open but he is surely not drunk as he is now a born-again Christian. Catch Creed at an arena near you. Or … don’t.

-Ackbar

"It is, as some admiral once said, a trap."

Welcome to Advice With Ackbar. Here you will find photographic and textual advice from the most influential Mon Calamari to ever exist. I will help to guide you through your everyday life with advice spawning from 73 years of galactic experience. Please enjoy and take all advice seriously and use it to your best advantage.

Sincerely,

Admiral Ackbar.